There's Something Happening Here....

I’m not sure what is happening right now…things feel different - very different, but nothing’s really changed. I’m still me, I’m still stretching myself – walking closer to the edge I think (my edge - remember it’s all relative). Perhaps the difference is that the edge is a little further out and old anxieties are giving way to a much more natural adventurous spirit. I don’t seem to be 'intending' as much, just doing and acting on instinct. I’ve always processed life in this order: No, Maybe, Yes. Perhaps the difference now is the scarcity of ‘No’ and the briefness of ‘Maybe’. Still mulling this over, but I like it.

I’m fully owning that World-at-my-Fingertips attitude – funny how it seems to appear when you least expect it. Could I have found it elsewhere? Absolutely, but within me are places that have always beckoned…New York is one of them. I still wonder if I’ll ever live here. I’m pretty surprised at how comfortable this crowded, noisy, jumbled, melting pot of the world is to me. What an enormous thrill to go from tentative, cautious Zan to vibrant, living Zan. The best thing that I’ve discovered is that with every major adventure, I get to keep this emotional freedom…my journey becomes me, and for that I’m so grateful.

So what’s the difference here, in New York? I tend to hate and avoid crowds when I’m at home. Yet in New York I can hardly wait to get out on the streets. I hate public transportation in California but getting on the commuter train and then on the subway gives me such a thrill. Why? Compared to New York City, California seems so surface and flat to me, and here I feel like I am responding to the depth and rawness of Manhattan. It’s precisely that which is calling to me. It is the depth that I have been longing for.

Lobby of the Plaza Hotel

Of course, Manhattan isn’t all raw and primal, but it’s total immersion into life. It is a town that does not hesitate and waits for no one. It was the best of times (having a snowball fight in the lobby of the Waldorf Astoria years ago) it was the worst of times (getting mugged in the garment district – also years ago). But New York is pulsating with life…with survival…with a drive that I rarely experience from others. I am thriving here.

Rooftop bar at the Peninsula Hotel

I can relax here too…maybe I shouldn’t, maybe I’m naïve and too open, but I am alive. Here in the midst of all this commotion I can sit and feel the energy rushing through me. Here I am home, at least for a few more days.