Packard, Party of One

Eating out alone can be an unusual experience, and not always a pleasant one. I’ve talked to so many that have their strategies for getting through it. But mostly it’s a strategy for getting through it, not necessarily enjoying it. What’s an introvert to do? Here’s some of the advice I’ve gathered through the years:
• Bring a book—it’ll give you something to do and look at.
• Make lunch your main meal out to avoid the “I’m the only one here eating alone” stigma from the dinner
  crowd.
• Pretend you’re waiting for someone, but order while you’re waiting.
• Sit at the counter/bar.
• Eat before the dinner rush

I’m sure there are countless more, but what strikes me the most is what depths we go to disguise or lessen the stigma of eating alone. Some of these strategies have benefits for the introvert. We love to read, and we often prefer noncrowded places; but why have we become conditioned to apologize for our circumstances…as if we don’t deserve the nice table next to the window?

I know, a lot of it is economics, but I’ve found that if I eat a bit earlier that the typical rush hour, I can ask for the nice location without feeling guilty (and the guilt is purely for economic reasons). It should be noted that I usually eat early under normal (i.e. home) circumstances, so this isn’t a concession for someone like me.

But eating and enjoying the experience are two different things. One thing that I love to do is talk to the server about his or her recommendations. I’ve tried many a dish based on server recommendations that I’ve ended up loving and would never have chosen on my own. Many times I’m up front about feeling uncomfortable eating alone and would like to make an experiment out of this…being honest more often than not yields great results.

A scenario that I recently went through went like this: “I’m eating alone tonight, and I thought I’d take this opportunity to turn it into something of an experiment and order a variety of appetizers, unless you have a better suggestion from the menu?” The response was that my server suggested their trademark Soup Du Jour and two very unique appetizers (an Oyster ‘something’ and the Calamari Rings with a Cajun dipping sauce).

The food was great, but the real benefit was the interaction I had with my server for the duration of the meal…he was most attentive (almost as if he was making sure I wasn’t lonely perhaps?), but not intrusively so. It was fun to interact and to try foods I might not have picked otherwise. Because they were his suggestions, I could ask questions about the dish—how was it prepared, where the chef is from, how often do they change their menus and specials, etc.

This particular dining experience was an adventure that turned dining solo into something fun instead of something to endure. It was a perfect evening for an introvert alone (but not lonely!). I drove back to my room with pleasant thoughts, happy memories, and a satisfied palate—a nice way to end the day before I went back into my introvert cave and recharged for t he next day’s adventure.

How To Have an Adventure When Your Attitude Sucks.

It’s painfully clear that one can find joy, passion and adventure without even leaving the house—it is all about attitude. This is especially true for introverts as we love to spend that quality time inside our heads. But how do you have an adventure when your attitude sucks?

My attitude has been a bit wimpy for several days; teetering between blah and pissy. An attitude that is decidedly NOT what (in my clearer moments) I’m all about. What’s up with that?

Loving introspection, I’ve been doing a ton of that, and I wonder just what this shift is all about? Is it me? Is it them? Is it the weather? Is it my diet? Is it the planetary line-up? WHAT is really behind this feeling of ennui; this lack of passion and this almost perverse enjoyment of negativity? If you think I can answer these questions in this post, you can stop reading right now, because I can’t. I have no profound thoughts on this matter except to acknowledge that sometimes a bad mood is just a bad mood. Sometimes you just gotta sit with it and let it pass.

Do Not Be Afraid of Dying, Be Afraid Instead of Not Living.

Has introversion been a prison for you? A reader’s recent question: “How do I climb out of my shell without making myself stressed and end up sick?” Now, I may not know what ‘coming out of my shell’ means to this reader, or how the stress manifests itself or even what the type of sickness might be…I don’t have to because for many introverts this is a familiar struggle. Our system’s struggle to handle the chemical and emotional overload that comes with the territory of being introverted is what we deal with on a daily basis: 24/7.

If it were as easy as being well energized then a quiet nap in darkened room would be the cure-all and we could go about our merry ways. But often, that’s only touching the surface of our struggles. This same reader wondered if they were just weird. Now that is a whole new box of crayons with which to color ones world.

I’m weird. I know I am, and I fully embrace it…now. But I knew I was weird as a child too, and that didn’t feel very solid to my young psyche. I knew I didn’t fit in, I wasn’t like the others. Therefore, I must be faulty. THAT, I think is what many introverts struggle with today…the wounds from childhood that happened as they tried to make sense of their world—to integrate their inner and outer worlds.

These wounds can be big ‘T’ traumas, or little ‘t’ traumas. But let me assure you, those little t’s can pack quite a wallop. So for introverts, we have to learn to come to terms with our misconceptions about the world before we can safely come out of our shell and adventure out into it on our own terms. The world is as safe and as scary as you allow it to be. For me, the true light began to flicker inside when I finally ‘got’ what was meant by these wonderful words: Do not be afraid of dying, be afraid instead of not living. 

Define Boring!

I’m not boring and I’ll bet you aren’t either. But if you’re an introvert you’ve probably had an extrovert or two take shots at your ideas of fun.

I was recently watching a seminar describing the differences between introverts and extroverts. The speaker asked for audience participation and wanted them to describe their idea of a perfect day. As you can guess, the introverts mostly described quiet, solitary, relaxing activities while the extroverts usually described action packed, people oriented activities. As the speaker paused and was grasping for words to explain the introvert’s activities, someone blurted out “Boring!”

That’s it isn’t it? Extroverts think we are boring as hell? Most extroverts would find us really interesting and quite funny if they would just pause long enough for us to catch our breath and collect our thoughts. My introvert friends know this about me. My extrovert friends…wait…do I have any extrovert friends? Maybe not. Maybe I’ve reached a point where I’m just tired of hearing that I need to loosen up more, I need to have more fun, and come out of my shell, join the party. Maybe I’m just tired of trying to talk over their non-stop chatter to convince them that I’m pretty darned happy the way I am, thank-you-very-much. I'm anything but boring, I've got a party going on in my head all the time, and it's fun in there!

Do You Have a "Do Not Disturb" Sign?

 Overheard: “I just want a day where no one comes over. Nothing is planned, and I don’t even have to answer the phone.” Spoken like a true introvert. Many of you have mentioned that your need for a day to yourself is something you crave. Me too, sometimes so much so that I physically ache when I don’t get it. The really odd thing is that most days I only have a small amount of distractions, or other-than-me stuff. Why does it seem to derail my momentum when I have to do something other than what I want to focus on? You would think that a time-out for an hour or two could be easily taken in stride.

Could it be that I am so much on the edge of overload that simply attending to life’s little necessities teeters me closer to falling off? Or is this just the way things are? Me not wanting to focus on anything other than …well, me? Am I doomed to living in solitude to avoid interruptions? Alone but not lonely? Maybe, but I still think it’s a matter of managing my energies.  

Knowing that interruptions will cause me stress when I’m in my creative zone shouldn’t require not having interruptions or worse, not getting creative…Coulda, woulda, shoulda…it’s just what I deal with. Some days more so than others, but I’m learning not to place judgment on the way I deal with life’s little interruptions…sometimes they just suck.

Enough Stirring Already!

My friend and I had a mini adventure back to Paso Robles and the wonderful cheese shop, Di Raimondo’s Italian Market. As we explored the rest of the town we were getting energized by the creativity displayed in many of the retail shops. Few words were exchanged as we both internalized what we were experiencing---that’s what I love about my friend, we’re usually on the same page of interaction, and can just be quiet together.

We decided to stay for lunch before heading back to the coast and took care to pick an interesting restaurant. We chose well as we examined the menu…lots of tempting things to pique the salivary glands. As we ordered, we were commenting how nice the place was. And then……..,seated at a table no more than 6 feet away was a woman and her gentleman friend. We heard her first…then felt the onslaught of her energy. She was stirring a simple glass of iced tea as if her life depended on it. Seriously…the energy was so intense that my friend and I had to stop our conversation and just stare while she relentlessly attacked the ice cubes.

Do not think for one moment, dear reader, that this was ordinary stirring to dissolve some sugar…there was way more to it than that. The really fascinating part was the rest of her body language. She sat relaxed, her face was open and smiling, her friend was too. They seemed to really be enjoying their lunch together. But oh, the hand that stirred the drink…first with the spoon, then with the straw. I wanted to tell the server not to refill her glass. It was non-stop for the entire lunch.

Part of me was hugely entertained by this woman’s actions, the other part wanted to throttle her (alright, at the very least dump her drink in her lap---but wait, she would have to have a refill). How can a person send such mixed singles: Happy, relaxed, and open, but killer with the stirring hand?  My friend wanted to say something, but honestly? I sensed some danger there. What we witnessed was adventurous enough for me….

I Hate Being Interrupted When I’m in a Frenzy

 Introverts can be pretty smart. We like to delve into a variety of subjects deeply if for no other reason than to satisfy our curiosity. I love following my intellectual urges and often feel happiest when I am thinking through a problem or situation. My brain works in an organized manner most of the time, but I can also jump into a creativity frenzy where food, sleep and routine are farthest from my mind.

I’m in one of those now, and hallelujah I haven’t been interrupted—well, that 30 minutes without power slowed me down a bit, but I kept my momentum going. I have been anticipating this spree for several weeks now. Trying to get my days arranged so that IF I felt the urge I could work uninterrupted. Needless to say many days passed with me simply enjoying my solitude.

But Friday’s Vision Board party started my juices flowing again…and I’ve been lost in my own world of creative energy. That’s the good news. That’s the joy of letting creativity run rampant through the house. The bad news is I’m not done, yet I have a day full of errands and appointments today. I feel like I’m being interrupted from this creative process. ‘Geesh, Zan, how delicate is your creativity’, I ask myself? Well, we’ll find out this afternoon when all is said and done…but for now, the juices will have to go back to marinating…might not be so bad after all: marinated things are sometimes the best.

The Path of the Introvert

I don’t like everyone I meet. There, I said it. I recently had to decline an invitation from someone who always (yes, always) leaves me feeling unsettled and irritated – you know the kind, the one who seems to like you but makes remarks that leave you wondering “What the hell just happened?”

As an introvert, I used to tell myself that I was too sensitive, or not social enough (too much or not enough…now there’s a pair!) The bottom line was that somehow it was all my fault…and I agree that my feelings are my responsibility. But sometimes a jerk is just a jerk, and the best I can come away with is the power to recognize that when someone leaves me with the feeling that I lack something…well, quite frankly, it is they who are lacking.

So I had to decide how to deal with this friend. As an introvert, I already know that socializing saps my energy, but with the right people it is still quite rewarding. Why in the world would I spend my precious energy with the kind of person that just leaves me exhausted and drained?  Why indeed…so in an act of true self-love, I decided to Just Say No.

Here’s another confession…that felt pretty good too.

The Adventure of Letting Go

I had my housewarming party last night. It has been years since I’ve hosted a party, but I found it’s like riding a bicycle: you never lose it. The house came together (enough; I’ve learned to let go of perfection). Everyone I invited came, and some new friends came as well, as guests…I had a house full of happy people enjoying each others company. And check out the yummy food everyone brought!! (Yep, I'm still all about the food!)

This morning I am a contented, satisfied introvert…glowing from the memories of the night before, and sitting alone in quiet with my double-shot cup of coffee. I seem to have created this life of my dreams, and I walk around wondering how the hell I did it?

How did I go from feeling like I was in shackles for twenty some-odd years to this feeling of such emotional abundance? I realize it’s because I let go.

I let go of possessions, I let go of location, I let go of predictably, I let go of the life that no longer served me.  And working from a clean slate, I deliberately and consciously created what I have now: A life with a perfect blend of adventure and excitement and serenity and solitude. Being an introvert is no longer a struggle for me. I embrace it and incorporate my needs into all my activities. What a gift to be free. What a gift to have the energy to continue to be an Adventurous Introvert finding adventure where-ever I go.

And the party?  Well, I’ve chosen my friends well…I couldn’t have asked for a better evening.

Vision Board Party

I'm having a Vision Board party this Friday...if you haven’t done yours yet, and if time permits, do yours on that day too...Please share pix of your completed board with the rest of us. Go to my fan page to post your pictures and any comments you’d like to add (find link below).  It might inspire someone else to do this fun and productive process.

Here’s how I’m going to do mine:

GATHER:

• Magazines and catalogs (sometimes a Dr. office is a good source for those if you clean out and throw away routinely …the rest of us will probably have plenty available)
• You will also need scissors, glue (stick or otherwise) markers, highlighters etc.
• Poster board
• Inspirational music

BEFORE YOU BEGIN:

Sit quietly for a moment and center your mind deep within. Invite your intuition into the Vision Board process for your personal growth and well-being. Openly agree to accept all information that comes to you whether you understand its meaning or not.

WHEN READY:

Look thru the pages and cut out pictures, words or phrases that seem to stand out to you; interest you; or feel like they have meaning to you in some way. Don’t worry about what you’re going to do with them…just stack each one in the same big pile.

When you feel you have collected enough images, set them aside for a moment. Next, decide on the categories of your Vision Board…for example Family, Work/Career, Friends/Social, House/Home, Travel/Adventure, Relationships/Romance…you decide what areas you want to focus on. If you work from inspiration, then you will be doing it right…it is not a good idea to over-think this process.

Begin to sort through your images and intuitively place them in the pile they belong. You might find that you have ‘left-over’ images that don’t seem to belong anywhere. I suggest that you dedicate an area of your vision board to these images…arrange them in a manner that pleases you. These images may be a big part of your future that you are not yet aware of…you may not even be aware that this area has importance for you; just let your inner guide take you along on your journey.

Use the full variety of implements available…glue, markers, stickers, highlighters etc. Try not to think this through, just go with what pleases you at the moment. You are working from inner knowing and inspiration…things will unfold to your benefit whether you understand them right now or not. 

HAVE FUN and please take a photo of your Vision Board and upload it to my Facebook Adventurous Introvert Fan Page . Choose a wall to display your Vision Board...a place that you will see daily. However, as I've said before, I packed mine away for a year yet I still ended up doing the work I needed to. Trust the process, you know what you're doing!

Even Packed Away it Worked!

Last year about this time I did a vision board. I knew I was actually moving to the Central Coast (as opposed to just  dreaming and wishing for it). This was going to be the biggest adventure of my life—creating a new life for me—and I wanted to be sure I did it right. I did not want to remain an accidental tourist in my life…I wanted to intentionally create the Dream-of-All-Dreams.

I did my vision board, and posted it on my front door for the 6 weeks it took to terminate my Northern California life and load the last box into the moving van. I intended to post it immediately where ever I landed. That didn’t happen. It remained packed away. Only now, with this last move did I find it, and what a pleasant surprise it was!

My 2009 vision board had four main areas: social, work, home and travel. In the past, work had always been my primary focus, but it took a secondary role on this vision board. Friends and adventure loomed big, and as I look back, that has been where my energies have been spent these last 12 months. I might add, that friends and adventure had little place in my life during the recent years, so this was a big shift in my energy.

The vision board I did last year mirrors where my heart and mind focused. Coming across this board a year later really magnified how powerful this tool is. Even packed away in a storage unit it was working its magic. I am going to create another vision for this year…I have a few ideas in mind to let my inner guides loose and show me the path of the next part of my journey. This time, since friends play such a strong part in my life today, I think I will have a group over and we can all do our boards together (separately). I am excited to learn just where my energies will be adventuring next!

Herding Kayakers is a Lot Like Herding Cats

There was quite a large crowd gathered for the local New Years Day paddle. Happy, excited people swarmed the beach getting their gear ready to launch. As usual, my friend and I were the first ones to arrive and be ready to go. Patience has never been my virtue so waiting for such a large crowd to coalesce was, at first, a challenge. However, I could feel the pure joy in the air as they laughed and chattered away amongst themselves, happy to be with others who shared their passion for the water.

It didn’t take a rocket scientist to realize there were more that a few extroverts among us. Oh, not all were chatting away excitedly, but enough were to set the tone for the group. Group pictures were demanded in only the way an extrovert can. No one, including me, wanted to dampen the energy and enthusiasm that was displayed.  

Since I was still nursing my aching back, I decided not to follow the group across the harbor out to the back bay. I was more than a little concerned that my back couldn’t endure the tides or wind (or both) and I would need to call it a day. So off I went on my own route, by myself, while the group happily paddled into the brand new day.

Understanding my introversion really helped me see the situation for what it was. Everyone was getting every last drop of fun and energy from the day. The extroverts were energizing by having fun being with people. This introvert was energizing by having fun alone. It turned out to be a lovely day. The conditions were serene and glassy…quiet except for the cries of the gulls and the barks of the sea lions. This was just the kind of day that fills my heart with gratitude and joy. I could not have asked for a better way to start the new decade.