Adrenaline Junkie

O.K., I have to write this. Readers who have been with me a long time have heard this story, so forgive me, but for my new readers there’s something you should know about me. I’m a closet adrenaline junkie trapped inside an introvert’s body.

I just watched a short clip of a Blue Angel performing across the San Francisco Bay – low enough to leave a trail in the water and I’m filled with excitement and memories of how important their performances have always been to me.

So important, in fact, that I always thought I was going to grow up to be a fighter pilot. Period. No questions asked. I was going to fly like the wind – fight bad guys and be one with the universe. No one told me that (in those days) women were not allowed to be fighter pilots. 

(My dream fell away when my eyesight failed to the point of  becoming ineligible (somewhere around 10 or 12). I don't remember the details, but I accepted this far more readily than I would have accepted denial simply due to my gender. Bless my family for not pointing this out to me as I had enough on my plate to deal with.)

Adrenaline – my love and my enemy. A thrill and a burden. Too much adrenaline and my system crashes…not enough and I wither. I was withering several years ago in an attempt to handle the chaos that had become my life - I was in permanent shut down mode, not allowing any stimulus to reach me; trying to be safe, but suffocating instead. However, I am bold and brave in spurts so during one of those moments I forged out to set things right - to discover the life that I wanted – rather than a life by default.

Here on these pages I have shared my struggles with wanting more than my energetic system can handle and testing ways to have it all. I can, you know – have it all. I refuse to accept the default mode anymore. I am finding balance more often than not these days, I am finally accepting that life can be just EXACTLY the way I want it...filled with excitement and serenity; no small task, but it's mine.