C'est la Vie

 It all began with a Friday night soiree at the de Young in San Francisco. I was off to a cultural event: The Birth of Impressionism - Masterpieces from the Musee d’Orsay and to step into a bit of French culture at the same time.  Renoir, Monet and Manet captivated those in their presence, plus a smattering of Degas, Pizzaro and Cezanne that delighted the viewers. Judging from the hush and thoughtful reserve, it seemed that everyone had a sense that they were in the presence of something important. There were no photos allowed in the exhibit and all cell phones were banned as well. The room was exceedingly quiet for so many people crowded into a relatively small space. I had to keep reminding myself that the famous works of art before me were the ‘real deal’; not just good imitations…and I didn’t even have to cross time zones to see it!

Dinner was next at the café. It was a Prix Fixe menu that had a hint of Paris…just a hint. The names of the dishes were more French than the taste, but it was served with style and attention to detail considering it was essentially a cafeteria where you placed your order and received a number for your table…then prayed to any Parisian God that a table would open up - and there was one overlooking the magical grounds outside complete with children in ballet costumes running and playing a game of jeu du loup (yes, even children’s games of tag had a French influence that night). I have eaten at the café before, so I knew their limitations…but they exceeded my expectations and I found the dinner delivered a culinary adventure … most probably because of the good mood in the air rather than the good food, but the evening hadn’t disappointed so far.

After dinner we strolled around Wilsey Court and listened to the lively music of Dginn - a band with the unique flavors of French-Gypsy-funk with a twist…spirited, toe-tapping goodness delighting everyone. The songs were sang in French and the energy of the band and audience alike was high which certainly added to the good vibes of the night.  A nice deep feeling of pleasure washed over me – I had witnessed genius, I explored new foods and, being the quintessential people watcher, I found the night perfectly evened out as I stood on the periphery of the crowd and just drank in the sights of people enjoying themselves. C’est la vie as the French say: Such is life!!

Change and Acceptance

I’ve always been drawn to change, but resistant to it as well. I suspect this is rather common for most introverts – only you can answer that.  Resisting the unknown became a habit for me at an early age. Throughout my life it was easy to cling to status quo—especially since my status quo looked so much like everyone else’s.

With change comes the unknown, and that can scare the bejeezus out of all of us if we let it. The truth is, you cannot put something in or take something out without everything shifting… and if your life is in a precarious balance then change can threaten to upset your whole house of cards and you can easily imagine everything crashing down around you.

Here’s the deal, rarely do we get a glimpse of what the change brings with it…usually we are asked to accept something without fully knowing what it is that we are embracing … "you want me to do what?" It takes extreme confidence and a leap of faith to accept big change gracefully. Sometimes it takes small steps and a simple willingness to sit with the change until it feels a bit more comfortable.

And here’s another deal: Profound loss brings profound change. There is a hole in our lives where something or someone used to dwell. No amount of filling the void with other distractions will bring our life back to what we once knew and accepted.

Change doesn’t much care what we think of it…it just is. We can get wrapped up in our emotions and kick and scream however much we want to – we can avoid dealing with the change by filling our lives with big and small distractions,  but change happens with or without our blessing.

Yet sometimes our biggest gifts come from a cataclysmic change that chews us up and spits us out. Desperate to feel some normalcy and balance, we wander around in search of any security blanket we can find. We cry, we beg, we curse…but in the end, if we're lucky, we will begin to accept. It’s in the acceptance that we find beauty and grace and often a gift that we feel blessed to have.

And as far as acceptance goes: if you pass up the opportunity to sit through the change and come out the other side called acceptance, fear not for you will have other opportunities to practice. Change is constant: You can pay now or pay later, the choice is ultimately yours and always has been. 

Are We Kindred Spirits?

 I’ve plodded through most of my life doing the things I thought I should do, or the things others thought I should do. Until recently I’ve played it safe far more often than I’ve taken risks. True, I’ve reached levels of success according to society’s standards, but I’ve always had this nagging feeling that I wanted my life back.. . . this plea puzzled me because I don’t have clear memories of any life I wanted back. Just what life was it that I wanted to go back to?

And now I know…I wanted to go back to days filled with excitement and adventure…to the days where hurt, confusion and fear hadn’t seeped in yet. I wanted to go back to the joy of waking up each morning to a world that fed my soul. That is the life I wanted back.

And now I realize that is the life I am living…Each day filled with joy and purpose and freedom; freedom to be exactly who I am, without apology or explanation. One must never keep these delicious discoveries to themselves. There are countless others that are walking this path. I’m discovering more and more who are traveling with me – we keep the flame burning for each other. We are a community of kindred spirits . . . will you join us?

Word of the Day (or so...)

I’ve always come out of a sound sleep with a word or thought in my mind that seems important enough to ponder. I do my best thinking on paper, so I write in a stream of conscious style and just let the words flow from my mind to the keyboard. I’m addicted to it…I get so much clarity and vision when I do this ~ it keeps me grounded yet moving forward at the same time.

Lately I’ve realized that I am on a very similar wavelength with many of my Facebook friends. It seems that consistently I will write my little heart out first thing in the morning and then check in to Facebook only to find that others are posting comments in similar veins on similar topics ~ So similar that I begin to wonder if I’m getting some intuitive guidance from the virtual world… (insert music from TheTwilight Zone).

I don’t much care where my guidance comes from, so I’ll just keep doing what works for me and that is to note the word or thought that I awaken with and go there…so now I’m deciding to share my word (not my thoughts - you get to come up with your own) with you and will post them when I am so nudged…we are in this world together, we are here interacting for a reason, there are no coincidences ~ and while I don’t always know what my part is, I will share my journey because that is what I am called to do…I wouldn’t be at all surprised to find several who are on a parallel path entering the same crossroads and challenges who can relate and share their insights too.  It’s all good, isn’t it?

Heading Home to the Other Rock

In 24 hours I will be heading for the airport praying that I haven’t exceeded my allotted 50 pounds of stuff in my checked luggage. I can never resist buying the simple food items that I can’t seem to find back home. Items like the Pomegranate and Blood Orange Balsamic Glaze, Old Bay low sodium (no MSG) seasoning, a jar of Russian honey cram-packed with every nut conceivable (No use trying to read the label on that one), smoke flavored sea salt flakes, black and white sesame seeds for a mere pittance, powdered lemon grass (29 cents!), weird little dried anchovies that have a hint of honey—Shrimp crackers to puff up by frying...

Traveling and exploring the local markets and restaurants is like living the best of the Food Channel…and I experience a bit of my adventure every time I enter my pantry. Convinced this shopping experience is not exclusive to the East coast, I’ve decided to spend a week in San Francisco the end of the month…to delve into some unique and local Asian grocery stores, Mexican bodegas and Italian Markets. Surely I can find the same adventures on the west coast as I do in New York? If you are familiar with the City by the Bay and can recommend some of your favorite places, please let me know.

Of course, I think it’s really just a great excuse to spend some more time in a city. San Francisco always energizes me, so I am looking forward to this adventure…if you stay tuned you’ll find out just what I’ve discovered…and I’m guessing that it won’t be limited to things that can be bought – life is far too deep and complex to spend it on the surface. Sometimes I’m soaring with my head in the clouds; seeing the big picture, and sometimes I’m exploring the details of the depths, but I’m always interested in how life presents itself to me. . . 

Zan Z. Packard

Vulnerability is Freedom

Any artistic endeavor demands a piece of your soul; a bit of blood from your heart. This is something that most artists accept about themselves…we create because we must. It’s who we are, it’s how we breathe. Without unleashing our creativity we die.

How interesting that I have chosen to focus on introversion. This is my own path and continued journey, and perhaps one that only another introvert can understand. But as I bleed on the pages, I wonder who is reading this and what thoughts I have prompted them to explore?….well, you know introverts, we aren’t very open with sharing our thoughts. Can’t do small talk worth a damn, don’t want to share deeply with people we don’t even know….and yet here I am writing personal stories for all to see.

 

It’s been a blessing to me, this blood-letting. To get rid of the demons that I always felt were knocking at my door—God forbid I open it. Yet on this particular path that I'm on, I've discovered that there are no demons worth fearing….it’s light and expansive through that open door. The unknown is not a demon but a friend.

All I know is that sharing my most personal journey continues to be one of the greatest healing, uplifting, and empowering things I’ve ever done. I’d love to hear from you because it validates me, but honestly? I do this for me. It’s no longer a choice or a luxury…it’s the only way I can travel right now, and I am soaring …blessings from the edge.

There's Something Happening Here....

I’m not sure what is happening right now…things feel different - very different, but nothing’s really changed. I’m still me, I’m still stretching myself – walking closer to the edge I think (my edge - remember it’s all relative). Perhaps the difference is that the edge is a little further out and old anxieties are giving way to a much more natural adventurous spirit. I don’t seem to be 'intending' as much, just doing and acting on instinct. I’ve always processed life in this order: No, Maybe, Yes. Perhaps the difference now is the scarcity of ‘No’ and the briefness of ‘Maybe’. Still mulling this over, but I like it.

I’m fully owning that World-at-my-Fingertips attitude – funny how it seems to appear when you least expect it. Could I have found it elsewhere? Absolutely, but within me are places that have always beckoned…New York is one of them. I still wonder if I’ll ever live here. I’m pretty surprised at how comfortable this crowded, noisy, jumbled, melting pot of the world is to me. What an enormous thrill to go from tentative, cautious Zan to vibrant, living Zan. The best thing that I’ve discovered is that with every major adventure, I get to keep this emotional freedom…my journey becomes me, and for that I’m so grateful.

So what’s the difference here, in New York? I tend to hate and avoid crowds when I’m at home. Yet in New York I can hardly wait to get out on the streets. I hate public transportation in California but getting on the commuter train and then on the subway gives me such a thrill. Why? Compared to New York City, California seems so surface and flat to me, and here I feel like I am responding to the depth and rawness of Manhattan. It’s precisely that which is calling to me. It is the depth that I have been longing for.

Lobby of the Plaza Hotel

Of course, Manhattan isn’t all raw and primal, but it’s total immersion into life. It is a town that does not hesitate and waits for no one. It was the best of times (having a snowball fight in the lobby of the Waldorf Astoria years ago) it was the worst of times (getting mugged in the garment district – also years ago). But New York is pulsating with life…with survival…with a drive that I rarely experience from others. I am thriving here.

Rooftop bar at the Peninsula Hotel

I can relax here too…maybe I shouldn’t, maybe I’m naïve and too open, but I am alive. Here in the midst of all this commotion I can sit and feel the energy rushing through me. Here I am home, at least for a few more days.